Ira | A Journal of Love + Loss | A Void

Wednesday, June 21st

AM

Feels like a visible hole in my lower right side. A void of something that should be there. 

What did I do wrong? Which decision over the last two weeks was the wrong one? An activity? Something I ate? Did I wear something too tight? Too much stress? I know people will say I didn’t do anything wrong, but it’s where my mind goes after two healthy pregnancies. What did I do differently this time to have this result?

Did I get too greedy? Too comfortable? Too complacent? Two healthy ones, why would a third be any different? Struggling with what happened on the third because in my mind it should be something you can fix. Miscarriage before any kids, need to make some life adjustments, but I just can’t seem to reason why it happens after two healthy ones. Did I not care enough about this one? In my mind I feel like I took it for granted and that’s why I didn’t get to keep it. Again in my soul I know that’s not why, but it’s kind of where I’m at right now. 

I’m upset with Hayes for having such tough time the past few days. The tantrums seem constant and my patience just isn’t there. I just want to sit and be sad. And he is challenging. He is processing the vibe in his own way I’m sure, but I still feel upset with him. 

Every twinge is my lower right side is a shocking reminder of what’s not there. The space that hurts is the perfect size for what left and that makes me incredibly sad. 

Any doubts or hesitations about pregnancy go out the window the moment a miscarriage happens. Instead the guilt over those doubts and hesitations creep in. 

Misconception that I had was you have a miscarriage and it’s done. Nope, I’m on day 2 of mild cramping and dreading every time I go to the bathroom. 

Will need to add June 20th to list of dates to celebrate. Our Little One’s heavenly birthday. 

I called the OBGYN office this morning and based on my what I described, the nurse recommended I come in for lab work. The plan is get a base number today and recheck with another lab draw on Friday. 

Luckily, I got to see my favorite phlebotomist. Something familiar. 

PM

Zoo day because Ben and I agreed keeping both boys home would lead to frustration. Made it to the end of the visit and we were standing in line for the train when I saw a notification for my test result. 75. 75 hcg. That registers as just barely within the 1-2wks pregnant range. Barely on the chart. Guess I at least get out of the recheck lab work. Sweet Little One I’m so sorry. 

It’s hard to feel grateful for for a body that carried a young life for so short a time. I feel frustrated with it. Like it failed me somehow because in some sense that’s easier to accept than that I did something wrong. Although neither is truly the case. I just feel sad. But I still think I’m pushing things down and not allowing myself to truly feel it all yet.

I find myself fighting the urge to diminish what it is. It was only early stage. It was just early stage. No, it was a miscarriage. And at any stage it sucks. 

Ira | A Journal of Love + Loss | The Loss

Tuesday, June 20th

AM

Holy cats, bleeding early on in pregnancy is terrifying. Didn’t experience that with the boys. A lil over 6 weeks and I went to the bathroom and had blood after wiping. Mind spiral ensued and took some Googling to try to relax myself that lord willing it’s something else.

Still rather nervous as I just have to wait it out. Noticed a little cramping on my lower right side prior to it. Honestly, it feels a little period like which is why it’s a strange combination of familiar and terrifying given the circumstances. 

PM
One of the loneliest feelings. Bleeding was bad enough that I needed to change my pad after Evander’s 18 month appointment. 

Went to the bathroom after getting boys down for nap and I felt a clot come out. That seemed to be a strong indicator of the passing. Something told me to get a glove to retrieve it and I put it in a plastic baggie. 

After the clot I called Ben, he called back and I told him that I think I’m experiencing a miscarriage. He’s working on getting home now. 

Cramping has subsided for the most part, but still feeling some twinges. 

Have Pride and Prejudice on in the background as something comforting and familiar. Hayes has refused to nap again so he’s playing dinos in the living room. Feel like I want to tell someone, but I don’t know who. It just feels lonely and I”m sad. I keep crying and it just feels surreal. The power of how badly you want something when you no longer have it is heart wrenching. It’s confusing, searching internet photos on random boards to see if I can find anything that looks like what I’m experiencing .It’s confusing and lonely and I just want to sit here and do nothing because my mind is spinning. But Hayes wants me to play with him outside and Evander sounds like he’s waking up too. I’m feeling sad and a little mad at Hayes. I know he doesn’t know better and it doesn’t make sense to be mad at him, but I’m frustrated that I can’t just sit here and try to process what’s happening to me. Something I have no control over. 

I feel scared to go to the bathroom to see what happens next. I’m scared because the cramping has gone away.

Reading other people’s miscarriage stories online makes it sound so much worse than I experienced. So maybe just maybe it isn’t, but trying to figure out what to do in the meantime is awful. Waiting is awful.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Go in? Urgent care would probably be more frustration and told to follow up with OB. Wait and call OB office tomorrow? Be told they can’t do much. Wait for original appointment which is scheduled a month from now? Again. The waiting is almost the worst part. 

Two weeks. For two weeks I felt anxiety over you and then excitement crept in. Then 2 weeks and you were gone. So subtly that I really tried to tell myself it was something else, but I think I knew from the first sight of blood. 

I can’t be sure, but I think I saw you. In the mass of red material there was some gray and it was tiny. You were tiny. 

Prelude to “Ira” | A Journal of Love + Loss

This site has sat finished for months. It’s slightly embarrassing how long it’s been. I thought I hesitated to make it live because there was a word on one of the galleries that didn’t feel right. Then I had miscarriage. 

I recorded all my thoughts on my phone about what I was feeling at any given time. Before long, I had several journal entries. Words are powerful, and perhaps you can start to see why one word on a website could hold me back from publishing it as a whole. Writing has always held therapeutic power for me. 

Growing up, it was how I communicated complicated feelings. I’d write letters to my parents and to be honest it caused a lot of tension, as it wasn’t how they preferred to communicate. Fast forward to my marriage. When I struggle to express my thoughts, I journal. And I feel better. The trouble is that I don’t think to share it with my husband and that lack of communication can cause strain. Yup nearly 10 years into this marriage thing and I’m still having these “lightbulb moments.” 

So what’s my point? I journaled all these thoughts and emotions during my miscarriage and didn’t really know what to do with them. Sure they helped me process what I was feeling, but it didn’t quite feel like that was all they were supposed to do. I surprised myself  when I started thinking that I wanted to share all those very personal things with other people. It’s very strange for me to choose to be vulnerable because I often care far too much what others think. Or what I imagine they may think about me. So more often than not, I don’t share anything. This is why you’ll find the social pages for my business to be fairly sparse. 

Sure I could post them there and perhaps I will, but a phrase I heard once stuck in my head. A business individual had said that as great as your social pages are, they aren’t truly yours. And perhaps my website isn’t truly mine either, but I feel I have a bit more control here. 

So that’s where these thoughts will live. Out there in the world. Is that scary? Oh you bet. Will I second guess it a lot as I prepare them? Undoubtedly. But I feel very convicted by this and sometimes when you feel a nudge, you just have to leap to see where He guides you to land.